The young man stood in front of the mirror
admiring his well-built and tanned body, when he realized that his penis was the
only part of his body not tanned. Determined to get his penis tanned, he made
his way to the beach. Once there, he proceeded to bury himself completely, except
for his penis - this he left poking out of the sand.
Strolling down the beach were two little old ladies. They came across the penis poking out of the sand. One little old lady, using her cane, knocked the penis from side to side, saying,"There is no justice in the world today." The other little old lady asked,"What do you mean?"
The first little old lady said,
"Look at that, When I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed
it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was
60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the
damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
1 - Most Important Lesson
During my second month of
college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had
breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:
"What is
the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some
kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired
and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the
last question blank.
Just before class ended, one student asked if the last
question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said
the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant.
They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2
- Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an
older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabamahighway trying
to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed
a ride. Soaking wet, she decided
to flag down the next car.
A young white
man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.
The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant
console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain
drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits.Then you came along. Because
of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he
passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson -
Always remember
those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year
old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass
of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand
out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain
dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table
and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely
replied."
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the
plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill
on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier
and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down
the table.
There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and
five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough
left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in Our
Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.
Many loudly blamed the king
for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along
carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid
down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much
pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his
load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating
that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand.
Every obstacle presents
an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving
When it Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital,
I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her
5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed
the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation
to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give
his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking
a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as
we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheek.
Then his face grew pale
and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,
"Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the little boy had
misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all
of his blood in order to save her.
You see, after all, understanding and
attitude, are everything.
"Work like you don't need the money, love like
you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching."
I know this is a subject some find hard to understand so this is Marketing explained....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed." That's Direct
Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and, pointing at you, says, "He's
fantastic in
bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl
at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you
call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's
Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her;
pick up her bag (after she drops it), offer her a ride home, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're
at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
>
> A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,
etc.
> After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
> The vet tells the farmer that he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea
what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how
he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
> So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.
> Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
> Next morning, he wakes
to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with
them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
> The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the
mud.
> "No," she says, "they're all
in the truck and one's honking the horn."
>
>
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> IF MEN EDITED COSMO'S PROBLEM PAGE... >
> > Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
> A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and > don't > mention this aspect of his behaviour.
> > Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
> A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a > great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
> > Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
> A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. > The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other > men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful > affair, and to get back to an emotional and happy the man is when he > returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, > expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this > aspect of his behaviour.
> > Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
> A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea > markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
> > Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
> A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
> > Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
> A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal
> > Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
> A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
> > Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
> A: YES. Before if possible.
> > Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
> A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
> > Q: How long should the sex act last ?
> A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
> > Q: What is "afterplay?"
> A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
> > Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
> A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift. > >
> What?s the difference between a girlfriend and a Wife?... 45 lbs !
> What?s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?... 45 min !
> What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?... Sexual Harassment !
> What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?......$3.99 a minute !
> How can you tell when your wife is dead?.....The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
> How can you tell when your husband is dead?....The sex is the same but you get the remote.
> What is a blond's favourite nursery rhyme?.....Humpme Dumpme!!
> What is it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?... Marriage !
> How many men does it take to change a light bulb?... None, they just > sit in the dark and complain !!
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?... Through his chest with a knife !!
> What do men and floor tiles have in common?... Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for life. !!
> Why is it difficult for a woman to find a man who is caring, sensitive and good-looking?... .Because those men already have boyfriends !!
> What is a mans view of safe sex?... A padded headboard !
> How do men sort their laundry?... Dirty and dirty but wearable...!
> What's the difference between a new dog and a new husband?....After a year a dog is still excited to see you.
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?... The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
> What do you call a smart blonde?... A golden retriever !!!
> Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?... The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts...!
> Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?...The girl who eats the last donut.
> Whats the difference between a battery and a woman?....A battery has a positive side.
> A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?....The blonde because she's eighteen !!
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33,3.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Amen!!! > >
> Officer:
May I see your driver's license?
>
> Driver: I don't
have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
>
> Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
>
> Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
>
> Officer: The car is
stolen?
>
> Driver: That's right. But come to think of it,
I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
>
> Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
>
>
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
>
> Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
>
> Driver: Yes, sir.
>
> Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
>
> Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
>
> Driver: Sure. Here it is.
>
> It was valid.
>
> Captain: Who's car is this?
>
> Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
>
> The driver owned
the car.
>
> Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box
so I can see if there's a gun in it?
>
> Driver: Yes, sir,
but there's no gun in it.
>
> Sure enough, there was nothing in
the glove box.
>
> Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.
>
> Driver: No
problem.
>
> Trunk is opened; no body.
>
> Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a
dead body in the trunk.
>
> Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying
s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Safeway condoms Lightening
the load
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The
ride of your life
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have
silk
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Mistrals Condoms
- Melt in your mouth, not in your hands j
Abbey National Condoms -
Because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going
Macintosh Condoms
- It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles Condoms
- Once you pop, you cant stop
BurgerKing Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - For a longer ride go wide=20
FCUK Condoms
(no comment required)
Muller Light Condoms - So much pleasure, but
where's the pain
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let Flash
do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - We go the extra mile
On-digital
Condoms - Plug and play !!!!
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and
thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - Size really does matter!
> > >> Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's
office to collect his wife's test results.
> > >> Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up, and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible.
> > >> Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
> > >> Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
> > >> Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
> > >> Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't f_ck her."
Henrisch™ 2004 